An executive summary of “Common Sense Parenting”
There are dozens of evidence-based approaches, and a myriad of helpful resources, to guide parents in their all-important role of raising children. One classic approach is “Common Sense Parenting,” developed by Boys Town. Founded in 1917 by Father Edward Flanagan, Boys Town has transformed into a diverse, nonprofit organization whose mission statement is “Changing the way America cares for children and families.”
Boys Town’s “Common Sense Parenting” program includes ongoing research, parenting classes, and a wealth of resources for parents. Research has proven that “Common Sense Parenting” is effective. “Common Sense Parenting” addresses a range of issues, including communication, relationships, self-control, discipline, decision-making, and success in school. Many respected organizations, including the United States Air Force, have adopted “Common Sense Parenting” as their model for teaching parenting skills. “Common Sense Parenting” is suitable for all families, with diverse backgrounds and value systems.
The key idea of “Common Sense Parenting” is that you are your children’s teachers. You use positive and negative reinforcements, and link them to your child’s behavior.
You are teachers
The foundation of all parenting is each parent’s relationship with each child. Each parent needs to spend some time individually with each child. This is not easy with parents’ and children’s busy schedules. Find a few minutes each day to spend time with each child. Also, plan special activities with each child. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Some children get punished without learning anything from it. In contrast, discipline focuses on teaching. Clearly communicate to your child what the desired behavior is. Describe it concretely. Provide positive and negative consequences.
Choose a negative consequence that is in proportion to the undesirable behavior. Being harsh is ineffective, because children get discouraged and quit trying. Being too lenient is ineffective, because children do not care about a very minor consequence.
Clearly connect the consequence to the behavior: “Since you cleaned up your room, you can go play.” “Since you did not clean up your room, you cannot go play.” “Since you did your homework tonight, you can watch a little TV before bed.” “Since you did not do your homework tonight, you do not get to do anything fun before bedtime.”
The language you use is important. Your language and tone of voice need to be unemotional. If you express anger, your children will notice your anger, not your message.
You want your children to become self-governing. Put your child in charge of his or her own behavior.
If you seek counseling for parenting, it is essential that both parents be present. Children split their parents if they can. Children are not being malicious when they divide their parents. Children are just trying to get their own way, using any method that works. They are too young to understand that splitting their parents harms the parents’ marriage. Harming the marriage harms the children in the long term, but children do not realize that. As parents, you do realize it. It is your job to protect each other, and to protect your marriage.
It is important to notice what motivates each of your children. It will be different for each child. What privileges matter to him or her: time with friends, permitted or taken away? use of phone, given or taken away? What praise matters to him or her? In what areas of life does your child especially need you to encourage and affirm him or her? Verbal praise can be a big motivator.
Look for the things your children are already doing well. “Catch them being good,” and praise them. This is especially effective for 4-year-olds, who are so eager to please. Teens do not seem eager to please. Nonetheless, work hard on praising whatever you can praise about their behavior. Do not miss an opportunity. There may not be very many opportunities!
For teens, confiscating their cell phone temporarily is often a useful negative consequence. For teens, curfews are important. If your teen’s curfew is 12 midnight, and he or she comes in 5 minutes late, provide a consequence. “Since you were 5 minutes late, next time you go out, you have to be one hour early; you have to be home at 11:00 PM.” This consequence is proportional to the offense. “You cannot go out at all” would be disproportionate.
Meet privately with your spouse and decide ahead of time what the consequences will be for undesirable behaviors. Write down the behavior and the consequence, and agree on it. Decide ahead of time what the “milestones” will be for your child: at what age does he or she get to drive? At what age does he or she get to date? What are the ground rules for these activities?
Of course, your child will try some troublesome behaviors that you did not plan for. Sometimes your spouse will not be present. When this happens, do your best in the moment. And then talk with your spouse later. If you are the spouse who did not make the decision, back up your spouse—even if you do not agree with him or her. The parents’ loyalty and unity are the key here. Then, when you have the opportunity, talk privately with your spouse about how you two want to handle similar situations in the future.
A useful tool for children of any age is a “job jar.” This is a jar with slips of paper in it. On each slip of paper is a task that a specific child can do as a consequence. These items need to be age-appropriate and tailored to the child’s abilities. If you set up the “job jar” ahead of time, you are ready to say, “Since you did not brush your teeth, do one job from the jar before you go to bed.”
Consequences need to be (a) proportionate to the misbehavior—not heavy handed; (b) immediate; and (c) the same from both parents.
Reinforcing positive behavior
If you praise good behaviors, bad behaviors will subside! Children want attention. A lot of misbehavior is a bid for attention. For most children, negative attention from parents seems better than no attention.
Spell out ahead of time what behaviors you want. One mother said to her daughters, “I am such a lucky mom. I can take you girls anywhere and you do 1, 2, 3…” She listed the desired behaviors. The girls usually cooperated.
Get children ready for transitions. Elementary school teachers are good at this. Children cooperate better if you prepare them for your plan, rather than “springing it on them.” Say to a young child, “In 10 minutes you will go to the bathroom, and then you will go to bed.”
Preventing misbehavior
Explain in advance what behaviors you want to see. Demonstrate the behaviors if you can. We learn by watching and imitating our parents. Parents teach children household skills and social skills. A lot of demonstrating and imitating is built into our school system. For example, children prepare for the first day of school by meeting the teacher.
For an unfamiliar situation, talk your child through it in advance. A mother prepared her 7-year-old daughter to attend a funeral for the first time. The girl who had died was 14 years old, and a friend of the family. The mother described what would happen at the funeral. She explained that there would be an open casket. At the funeral, the 7-year-old daughter behaved appropriately. She was not shaken up by the experience. As an adult, this daughter is not unduly upset by funerals.
Correcting problem behavior
For correcting your children’s misbehavior, it is helpful to discuss with your spouse some real-life examples in your family (past history and anticipated future situations). For further practice and examples, you may want to use “Common Sense Parenting” books, workbooks, and/or DVDs that fit your current needs. For example, there is a DVD entitled “Common Sense Parenting: Correcting Misbehavior.” For correcting misbehavior, use the following 4 steps:
Stop the behavior.
Provide a consequence.
Describe what you want.
Get your child to practice doing what you want.
Also, teach your children to accept a consequence. There are 2 steps here. If your child becomes defiant, there are 2 consequences:
For the original behavior
For saying no to the first consequence
If you are raising teenagers, you might like the “Common Sense Parenting” DVD entitled “Adolescence and Other Temporary Mental Disorders: Why 'Crazy' Teen Behavior Is More Normal Than You Think, and How You Can Deal with It Without Losing.”
Handling emotionally intense situations
In an emotionally intense situation with your child, focus on managing your own emotions first. There are 3 steps here:
Know in advance what gets you upset.
Recognize the early warning signals that you are beginning to get upset.
Do what you need to calm yourself. Plan this in advance, and practice it regularly.
Then when your own emotions are under control, address your child’s emotional reaction (for example, a tantrum). There are 6 steps here:
Describe the problem behavior, concretely.
Describe what you want, concretely.
Give the child time to calm down.
Describe what you want the child to do differently next time.
Ask the child to practice what you want him or her to do differently next time.
And last of all, give a consequence. Be sure to give the consequence last! If you start there, you will just make your child angrier.
Helping children succeed in school
Boys Town Press offers various resources for helping children thrive at school. For example, there is a DVD entitled “Common Sense Parenting: Helping Kids Succeed in School.” Some key points are:
Establish a study routine. Choose a suitable time and place. The study environment should be quiet, with minimal distractions.
Teach and demonstrate social skills as well as study skills. Social skills are the foundation for success in school.
Communicate with teachers and school counselors. It is very important for parents and teachers to share their perspectives about the child’s learning, behavior, and needs.
Resources
If you wish to learn more about “Common Sense Parenting,” you can find a wealth of resources at the website of Boys Town Press. You can also explore Common Sense Parenting classes with various topics and locations.
In addition to “Common Sense Parenting,” two of my favorite parenting books are:
Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children, by J. I. Clarke and C. Dawson
Help Me… I Have a Teenager! The Nitty Gritty Guide to Parental Sanity, by A. Drake
Key takeaway
Raising your children well is likely to be the most important project of your life. Whatever method or model you may choose to use, the key is for each parent to give each child generous, unconditional love.
[I wish to thank Melissa Gould, LCSW-S, for teaching me the above material. I also learned from “Common Sense Parenting” books, audiobooks, and DVDs from Boys Town.]